Friends Don't Let Friends Fat Talk

October 13-17 is Fat Talk Free Week, an initiative launched by Delta Delta Delta to get women to think about how our body bashing talk can keep us from the meaningful conversations and actions we really need in our lives.

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Vocab Rehab: Pregnancy and New Mom Edition
Vocab Rehab: Change Your Body Talk for the Better

Vocab Rehab: Pregnancy and New Mom Edition

The phrase: “You just had a baby? How is that possible?” or “How much weight did you gain when you were pregnant?” or “What are you doing to lose the baby weight?”

What you’re trying to say: We live in the era of Hollywood Bump Watch. Gossip magazines, blogs, and entertainment shows document every stage of stars’ pregnancies as well as every pound they shed to “get their bodies back.” Not only has it become normal practice to scrutinize preggo A-listers, but women everywhere are now scrutinizing themselves in the same way. Most moms and future moms have fears about how motherhood changes the body, and this worldwide celebrity pregnancy fixation certainly isn’t doing anything to alleviate them. When we tell someone how good she looks post-baby or ask about pregnancy weight gain or baby weight-loss strategies, it’s usually an attempt to bond over those pressures. But behind the compliments and questions are much deeper insecurities: “How did you face the fear of gaining weight? I am afraid that pregnancy will make me fat and I already have issues with my weight. You’re giving me hope that I don’t have to destroy my looks to have a baby.”

What might be heard: The bottom line is that when you comment on a pregnant woman’s or new mom’s weight, you send a message that your focus is on the way her body looks--not the baby’s health, her health, or her emotional state.

Where it goes: Bonding over baby weight might feel comforting in the moment, but women who get into these exchanges are really cutting themselves off from more meaningful conversation. Events and feelings attached to becoming a mom suddenly take a back seat to body obsessions. You start trading tales of hours on the treadmill instead of expressing the joy of hearing baby’s first laugh or sharing tips on how to find personal time when your whole world has shifted so dramatically.

What you could say instead: Having a baby is a life-changing experience. In ALL departments. Ask a pregnant woman or a new mom how she’s doing and listen to her answer. She might talk about feeling stressed or tired. She might say she’s completely blissed out and head over heels. And yes, there’s a chance she’ll tell you she’s unhappy with her weight. In that case, tell her to steer clear of Us Weekly. Then give her a nice long list of the reasons you think she is/will be a great mom--reasons that have nothing to do with the numbers on the scale.

Read all Vocab Rehab entries.

Vocab Rehab: Change Your Body Talk for the Better

This weekend we had a two-hour chat about language. We used a lot of different words to describe the times we have been on the receiving end of appearance-related "compliments" that feel good in the moment we take them in, but actually aren't so good for us the longer we hold onto them.

We are two women with tons of body image baggage. We know how hard it is to avoid engaging in body talk--especially when those conversations seem to be common ground for so many women (and increasingly more men). Enter Vocab Rehab, our new regular feature aimed at detoxing some of the most typical body conversations. We hope you'll add your comments and send us your suggestions for future Vocab Rehab words and phrases. Here's our first pick:

The phrase: "You look great! Did you lose weight?"

What you're trying to say: In our diet-saturated culture, commenting that someone's frame looks more slender and svelte is widely accepted as the ultimate compliment. If you throw this one in someone's direction, you're usually trying to make her/him feel good.

What might be heard: You can just never be 100 percent sure what is inside a person's heart, body, and mind when s/he loses weight. Though not always, weight loss can be linked to physical or emotional problems. You might be talking to someone who is secretly caught up in an unhealthy obsession. By drawing attention to size, you could be inadvertently adding fuel to a dangerous fire. What that person hears is a loud and unrelenting: "I am more beautiful and loved when I'm thinner."

Where it goes: If there's "look who's thinner!" buzz in a room, diet war stories spread fast. Before you know it, everyone's talking about weight. And the more people get into the convo, the greater the chances that one or more of them struggles with disordered eating. In fact, those odds are pretty good.

What you could say instead: We don't know about you, but we're pretty excited about this historic Presidential race. We'd much rather talk about the future of our country at happy hour than compare the size of our jeans. This is not to say that there isn't a time or place for fashion and beauty talk. But we keep our compliments in the realm of "You're glowing!" (translation: "Something amazing must be happening in your life.") and "I love your style." (translation: "There's something special about you that's really working right now.").